In the highly Christianized culture we live in today our morals and values fight with the very system written into our DNA. I'm aware that some of you are privy to this, but for the ones that aren't, I have no belief what so ever in God or organized religion. However, I still find myself completely stuck in the Christianized frame of mind in which I was brought up in.

My thoughts, the rational and logical ones, have serious issues being in the same mind as the crazy religious beliefs that are still floating around to this day. For example, I know guys have the urge to be with girls. That's nature for you. Procreating, spreading of the seed and all that jazz they teach you in science and human health. I, on the other hand, am a very different animal. When I like someone or feel attached I don't want to take the risk of being with someone else. Liking someone, kissing someone, having sex with someone else other then the one person I am interested in at that very moment. I wouldn't want to do that type of thing because I would feel it isn’t right. I would be hurting them somehow. I don't need to be doing that sort of thing because I already like someone else so what's the point? On the other hand, why the hell not? I'm not married to this person and I have no formal commitment to this person what so ever. I guess my problem is the actual wanting to do. I feel no urge. I'm so comfortable in the state I'm at I don't need anything else. Yet I'm highly unhappy at the same time. Does that make sense? I hope you understand. I think that the majority of my feelings having to do with relationships and intimacy are highly Puritan and Christianized. I don't follow these beliefs yet I let my life be shaped by them when I need not be. I'm not saying I should become some scanked out sex machine who sleeps with any guy that takes her out, but the ridiculousness of my conservatism when dealing with boys who aren't mine in any sense of the word is just plan stupid. Guys are going to be guys. In the end they are going to do what they want to do. It's certainly not their fault and something I shouldn't hold against them like I do. On the other hand I need to start living in the same way. I let that type of behavior hurt my feelings but in reality it shouldn't at all. Why should I feel hurt? It's silly.

I've always thought even though I was raised in such a strict religious house hold I still turned out well. I'm a good kid, I don't get into trouble and I work hard. I thought the values taught to me as a child instilled good things in me and that because of them I'm more level headed. I certainly have a drastically different outlook on life then most because of my up bringing. Now I'm starting to wonder if the ways that raised me did more harm than good.

Also, I think maybe this is just affecting me in the way it does because what I perceive as love is in the mix. It makes things phenomenally more difficult. The old hat fears and the "What Ifs" can disappear any time now. In the end, feelings like this are just hard to control. 0 comments